I know this is a vexing thought for many women who are involved with married men ? whether they are married or single themselves. You see it in the blogs and other places all the time.? And I know my ex-OW asked the same thing ? ?He was so unhappy with her and so happy with ME! Why did he go back to his wife??
I found an article from someone who?s stuff I?ve read before. She herself a Betrayed Spouse.? Link to her site at the bottom.
Any Relationship That Is Based On Secrecy, Deception, And Lies Doesn?t Have A Huge Chance To Be Lasting And Healthy:
Let?s face it. When a man cheats, he?s being dishonest, disrespectful, and acting in a very reckless and unhealthy way. This is not the behavior on which lasting and healthy relationships are based. And often, when a man cheats or has an affair, he is facing some type of personal crisis or self doubt. In plain English, he?s in a bad place. So, he?s typically not at a point in his life where he?s going to be able to develop a mutually satisfying relationship.
He?s very often struggling personally and between two relationships. In the beginning the cheating and the affair might seem like the answer to all of his problems. It might be exciting enough that it momentarily draws his attention away from what is really wrong. But this almost always doesn?t last. Usually, he will wake up, realize that his problems are not only still there but have multiplied. Now, he realizes that he?s only made it more difficult for him to recover from whatever he?s dealing with.
Husbands May Still Love Their Wives During And After An Affair Or Infidelity:?? You should know that the overwhelming majority of men never waiver on their love for their wives.? They are able to compartmentalize and see the two things as distinctly separate in a way that I probably never could.? And, very often, they actually think they are solving their problems on their own and sparing you the bother.? Often, they think that (and desperately hope) that you will never find out.? (NOTE: Thus, going back to their wives may not be as a big of a leap as some mistresses believe)
Cheating Husbands Usually Eventually Realize That It?s Not Their Wife Who Is The Problem: In the initial stages of cheating and affairs, men will sometimes project their personal problems onto their wife. They will blame her for their unhappiness and for the fact that they aren?t fulfilled. They may even initially think that the mistress or other person has something that the wife does not have.? (note: And maybe she does!? but it still may not overcome other thoughts he might have!)
In the beginning, everything with the other person might be fresh, new, and exciting. But this can?t last forever. All of the fairy dust and magic soon comes to an end. The other woman will usually show herself to be very wife like, with similar demands and expectations.? And the husband will eventually realize that he?s gained nothing (NOTE: Or he?s gained something, but lost other things).? Now, the mistress usually will be very careful in the beginning. But soon she too will begin to question what?s in it for her.
These things usually come to a head and the husband looks around and realizes that the wife is the only one who seems to be living in the real world and is the only one who offers any stability. It?s around this time that he realizes that he?s been sold an impossible bill of goods and he?ll typically just want his regular life back. He also will typically realize that he?s been so unfair to his wife, has taken her for granted, and was wrong all along.
Husbands Who Have Had An Affair Often Realize That What They Were Looking For Is The Woman At Home Who Knows Them Better Than Anyone Else:? At the end of the day, cheating husbands usually come to realize that they were attempting to live in a fantasy world that could not possibly last or be healthy. There will usually come a time when he will realize that the problem he was running from has not gone away and that now he has even more problems. It?s usually at this point that it becomes crystal clear that he would have been much better off staying home and working through his issues with his spouse like a mature adult.
He realizes that the relationship with the mistress of other woman has no real foundation and no real history. He can no longer deny that the two of them are virtually strangers and yet here he is, risking what he has worked so hard for and held so dear over something so silly. Where he used to retreat knowing that his wife knew all his weaknesses and vulnerability, the affair will show him that the wife?s knowledge of him and ability to stand with him is something that he should have appreciated and surrendered to rather than running away from.
So yes, many married men who cheat do return to their wives. Whether their wives will take them back or not is a completely different question.
I know that dealing with his affair, no matter when it happened, can be very challenging and painful, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would?ve believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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(END OF ARTICLE)
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I will add another reason ? Just plain fear.? Fear of the consequences of leaving your wife and family. The financial consequences. Moral consequences. Potentially being ostracized by friends and family.? Fear that the relationship with the Other Woman, if married to her, won?t at all resemble what it was like when you were having an affair.? Fear of hurting your children and them resenting you forever. The logistical difficulties of balancing two families, in essence.? Fear certainly played into my thinking.
And as I?ve written in other parts of my blog ? numerous red flags concerning my OW began to appear. I started to put it together that she wasn?t the person she made herself out to be. That she had lied to me. That she had pulled some dirty tricks on me to force my hand. All of it gave me pause.
But that being said, the primary reason I went back to my wife was love.? We were beginning to finally talk openly the month before D-day. Our intimacy was returning and I saw a glimmer of hope. And the way she handled D-Day spoke volumes about her. I knew that there was something more there and I needed to try and repair things.? I had an inkling that my marriage could be so much more than it was.? So it wasn?t fear. It was the red flags concerning the OW. In the end, I knew I loved my wife and I wanted to see if I could fix things.
As I said, I can relate to some of it, but not to other parts.? I certainly got caught up in the fantasy of it all.? I got in over my head. And I think I definitely looked at my lover and my wife with ?affair eyes? ? I exaggerated my OW?s good qualities, and exaggerated my wife?s lesser qualities.? I took my wife for granted. I think my OW also sold me a ?bill of goods.?? She was pretending to be the perfect girlfriend and potential partner, when in reality, she was hiding some pretty important things from me.
However, other parts of the article don?t quite fit.? My ex-OW and my wife are very very different sort of women and people. I was not to trying to find a ?new and improved? version of my wife in my lover.? I was wanting to get my vast unmet needs met by someone, who happened to be in many ways the polar opposite of my wife.? I was definitely incredibly unhappy in my marriage and I was vulnerable to someone coming along who made me feel wanted, desired, and loved and who showered me with emotional and physical attention. It certainly was alluring.
And yes for a long time I considered whether I should leave my wife for this person.? It wasn?t just a fantasy ? there was reality in it.? In the end, some of the thoughts expressed above, plus the behavior of my OW, made up my mind for me.
And I don?t know if the reasons are the same why a cheating wife goes back to her husband. I dunno. Maybe someone else will write that one. Nevertheless, I found it a good article even if it didn?t fit me completely.
And I?m SURE I?m going to hear from a few women whose married Affair Partner DID leave their wives for them and telling me how wildly happy they are, blah blah blah.
Yeah, I get it.? But exceptions don?t disprove the rule. What some of you are living is so far beyond the law of averages, and you should consider yourselves fortunate that you built something amazing out of something so ugly and wrong.
Source: http://recoveringwayward.wordpress.com/2012/09/06/why-former-cheating-males-go-back-to-their-spouses/
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